LET THE WOOKIE WIN

Christopher MarkowskiArticle, Politics & LifeLeave a Comment

James Taranto of The Wall Street Journal’s Best of the Web daily feature put this priceless comparison together.

A blogger called “bkm” has come forth with one of the most inventive insights of the 2004 campaign: John Kerry may actually be C-3PO, the neurotic, English-sounding metallic droid, who by the way served in the Clone Wars. We weren’t about to take the word of some jammie-clad no-name, so we went out and bought the “Star Wars” DVD box set, just released (Karl Rove must’ve had something to do with the timing), watched the first movie, and jotted down a bunch of Threepio quotes:

“We’ll be destroyed for sure! This is madness! We’re doomed.”

“Hey! You’re not permitted in there! You’ll be deactivated for sure! Don’t you call me a mindless philosopher, you overweight glob of grease!”

“Secret mission? What plans? What are you talking about? I’m not getting in there! I’m going to regret this.”

“How did we get into this mess? I really don’t know how. We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life.”

“Where do you think you’re going? Well, I’m not going that way. It’s much too rocky. This way is much easier.”

“What mission? What are you talking about? I’ve just about had enough of you! Go that way! You’ll be malfunctioning within a day, you nearsighted scrap pile! And don’t let me catch you following me, begging for help, because you won’t get it!”

“No more adventures! I’m not going that way.”

“That malfunctioning little twerp! This is all his fault! He tricked me into going this way, but he’ll do no better.”

“Protocol? Why, it’s my primary function, sir. I am well versed in all the customs.”

“No, I don’t think he likes you at all. No, I don’t like you either.”

“It wasn’t my fault, sir! Please don’t deactivate me! I told him not to go, but he’s faulty, malfunctioning. Kept babbling on about his mission.”

“I suggest a new strategy, R2: Let the wookie win.”

“Help! I think I’m melting! This is all your fault!”

The resemblance to Kerry’s foreign policy is uncanny. C-3PO also has a lot of awkward arm movements, just like Kerry when giving a speech. On the other hand, Threepio has a certain lack
of self-regard that is quite unlike the narcissistic Kerry. At one point, he tells Luke Skywalker: “I’m only a droid, and not very knowledgeable about such things. Not on this planet anyway. As a matter of fact, I’m not even sure which planet I am on.” Apart from the confusion about what planet he’s on, this is a decidedly un-Kerry like comment. You can’t imagine this droid ever demanding: “Do you know who I am?”

If Kerry is C-3PO, which “Star Wars” character most closely resembles President Bush? The obvious candidate is Han Solo, whose cocksure attitude is reminiscent of the president’s. “Bring ’em on,” he actually says at one point, and at another, Princess Leia mocks him as a “flyboy.”

On the other hand, some readers of the “bkm” blog see a resemblance to C-3PO’s counterpart, R2-D2.

As one explains anonymously: “He’s not real articulate, and he doesn’t say much, but he’s resolute, calm in a crisis, and usually solves the problem while other people are arguing about it.”

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