THE WATCHDOG ABSURDITY COLLECTION 2

Christopher MarkowskiArticle, Politics and Life0 Comments

sex-in-the-city

JUNE 2012

Pathetic in the City

President Obama attended a swanky soiree at the home of Sex in the City star Sarah Jessica Parker.  The $40,000 a plate dinner was attended by the New York Media elite along with other Hollywood stars such as Meryl Streep and Vogue magazine editor Anne Wintour.  The President told the A-list, better than you and I crowd…

“You’re the tie-breaker.  You’re the ultimate arbiter of which direction this country goes.”

Wow!  The future of our nation in the hands of fashion magazine editor and bunch of people that plays pretend for a living.  I feel so much better now.

Very Stimulating

The Obama administration granted $1.5 million dollars to the University of California at San Francisco as a part of the stimulus program to study the erectile dysfunction of overweight middle age men and the accurate reporting of someone’s sexual history.  Note to Administration:  The Pfizer Corporation did this already.

This Is How Our Government Saves

Obamacare has set aside billions of dollars for a brand new bureaucracy called the Center For Medicare and Medicaid Innovation, or CMMI.  The center has been granted $10 billion plus over the next ten years to find out new and exciting ways to better deliver health care.  Steven Greer of the Wall Street Journal looked in to how those grants are doing…

George Washington University received $1.9 million in order to reduce costs by $1.7 million.  This is not a parody.

$5.8 million to the University of Chicago to “train and create new jobs for 90 individuals from a high-poverty, diverse community.”  Sounds like the $280,000 job they created for Michelle Obama after her husband was elected to the Illinois Senate.

Pelosi Vs. Jefferson

House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi defended the health care reform law, tying it to the promises made by Thomas Jefferson in the Declaration of Independence.  The Affordable Care Act is “about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for the American people.”  She went on to say that it “unlocks” them from a job to pursue happiness without the threat of losing their health insurance.

Following Nancy’s disturbed logic, shouldn’t the government also provide everyone with shelter, food, transportation, internet access, cable television and clothing?  Then we would be really free to pursue happiness!  We can call it the Affordable Golf and Fishing Act.

Beware of the Brush!

It is our belief that one of the most dangerous spots that individuals can physically place themselves in is the space between Senator Chuck Schumer and a microphone.  Senator Schumer outdoes himself once again and gives us his best Mighty Mouse impersonation with this foray into saving our day/barbecue!

Press Release: Cleaning your barbeque grill with a metal brush this summer could have serious health consequences.  Calls for safety reviews to determine whether metal bristle brushes are safe for consumer use.  “Metal bristles are one topping no one wants on their burger this holiday season.  Grilling season should be a great time for the whole family, not time to be worried about an emergency visit to the hospital.  I urge the Consumer Product Safety Commission and the FDA to launch a safety review of these products and warn consumers about their potential danger.”

Hey Chuck…Can’t we get a Czar for this?  We can fund an entire department and make sure those perilously dangerous events known as barbeques, are safe, once and for all.  Senator Schumer, you are true American hero.

Send Us Your Wedding Gifts

President Barack Obama is asking Americans to forgo gifts, and have their guests give to him instead.  You can actually register your wedding on his campaign website.

From the Obama website…

Got a birthday, anniversary, or wedding coming up?  Let your friends know how important this election is to you.  Register with Obama 2012 and ask for a donation in lieu of a gift.  It’s a great way to support the President on your big day.  Plus, it’s a gift that we can all appreciate and goes a lot further than a gravy bowl.

I taxed my brain trying to come up with something that could equate on the tackiness scale, and came up empty.  Snooki and the Jersey Shore can’t even compare to this.

Government Weight Loss

Democrats are asking for $75 million for a new program called the Lifelong Improvements in Food and Exercise Act.  The money would be used to train health professionals to help overweight people, by educating them about proper nutrition and exercise, and making them more aware of the risks of obesity.  Do they really think that people are that stupid?  We need to spend tax dollars to train health professionals on how to lose weight?

Yes they do!

The government-funded Institute of Medicine has determined that it is not your fault if you are overweight.  According to the IOM we live in a “food carnival” constantly bombarded by food cues, almost all unhealthy.  The IOM says that people cannot truly exercise “personal choice” because their options are severely limited, and “biased toward the unhealthy end of the continuum.”

I will quote fictional mobster Tony Soprano addressing a very overweight fellow mobster Bobby Bacala, “I strongly suggest salads!”

Nip/Tuck

Buffalo, New York plastic surgery hotspot!  Who knew?

Teachers in Buffalo, New York are getting liposuction, nose jobs, Botox, tummy tucks (etc.) and there is NO DEDUCTIBLE!  Of course this is all on the taxpayers dime.

Second grade teacher Linda Tokarz states that she gets regular treatments.  “I think it’s great for us.  I wouldn’t want to see it taken away.”  The local Buffalo news station interviewed local plastic surgeon, Dr. Kulwant S. Bhangoo, who stated that three out of every ten patients he sees are public school teachers who come in from everything to face lifts and breast implants and they don’t have to open their wallets.

The Buffalo school district is projecting a budget deficit of $42 million.  The cost of the insurance rider to cover plastic surgery is $5.9 million.

Al Gore’s Plumbing Service

Students at Spanish River High School in Boca Raton, FL had to step over rivers of urine and endure the stench of rancid waste after a plan to bring green waterless urinals into bathrooms, (no pun intended) backfired.  The brain trust (school officials) had the brilliant idea to install environmentally friendly Falcon Waterfree urinals in their boys bathrooms.  However, with no water moving through the school’s copper pipes to flush the urine into the sewer system, the waste produced noxious gases that ate through the metal, leaving leaky pipes that allowed urine to drip into walls and flow onto floors.  The brain trust along with getting their pictures in the paper for being so environmentally progressive was also hoping to save $100 a year in water costs for each waterless urinal installed.  Now they have to spend over $500,000 to fix the damage and install traditional urinals.

Muchas Gracias Tio Sam!

Illegal aliens are getting billions of U.S. tax dollars in refundable tax credits for nieces, nephews, and other relatives back in Mexico.  Tio Sam has allowed illegal aliens to claim these credits on their tax returns for people they list as dependents.  Currently 75% of tax returns filed by illegal aliens received these credits.

Por ejemplo, an illegal alien with $14,000 in income that paid absolutely nothing in taxes received a refund of $10,000.  Tio Sam’s website actually suggests that illegal aliens can claim Mexican relatives as dependents for purpose of the tax code’s personal exemption.  This obviously opens up the door to enormous fraud since their children do not have social security numbers or any other record of their existence.

Dios Mio!

Fancy Pants

Our mighty all-benevolent government provided a grant of $11 million to provide business attire for 400 low-income job seekers in Detroit, Michigan.  An audit of the program showed that it provided clothing to a grand total of 2 people.

That’s one hell of a taxpayer-funded wardrobe.

Fines in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe

The Environmental Protection Agency has hit oil refiners with a $6.8 million penalty for not blending cellulosic ethanol into gasoline, jet fuel and other products.  The problem for oil refiners is that cellulosic ethanol DOES NOT EXIST.  Oil refiners are being fined for their inability to do the impossible.

Next year, in the interest of fairness, the Obama administration will mandate that Unicorns be mandated to participate in all of the Triple Crown races and that they be jockeyed by Gnomes.  Failure to comply with the administrations progressive equestrian affirmative action program will result in stiff penalties.

Nolte John Obama To Celebs: You’re the Ultimate Arbiter of Which Direction This Country Goes Breitbart 6/15/12

Kovaleski Tom You Paid For It! Stimulus Dollars Fund Studies Into Sexual History and Erectile Dysfunction Bay Area NBC 5/14/12

Greer Steven Inside ObamaCare’s Grant-Making Wall Street Journal 6/4/12

Haberkorn Jennifer Nancy Pelosi: Health Law Represents Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness Politico 6/7/12

Campbell Colin Chuck Schumer’s Next Fight: Metal Bristle Brushes The Observer 5/30/12

Kasperowicz Peter Dem Lawmaker Proposes $25 Million For Federal Program to Reduce Obesity The Hill 5/1/12

Staff Obesity Fight Must Shift From Personal Blame: U.S. Panel Reuters 5/8/12

Shaw Jazz Teachers Unions: More Good Work If You Can Get It Hot Air 3/4/12

Zenne Michael Students Step Over Rivers of Urine Daily Mail UK

Editors Illegal Aliens Get Billions In Tax Credits From IRS For Relatives Back in Mexico Examiner 5/5/12

Nichols Darren Audit: Part of $11M Grant For Detroit Job Seekers Only Aided 2 Detroit News 3/7/12

Murdock Deroy EPA in Wonderland National Review 7/13/12

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